Self-center happened when one lives too much by ‘because of’.
‘How could I ever finish my work? That senior asked me to help him to do some work, and you know he doesn’t take no.’
‘I can’t even have a proper 8 hours of sleep everyday, how would I ever go for a squash game? By the time I reach home from work, it’s already 11pm!’
Due to courtesy or being nice to people, when one finds it difficult to say no, it will become a habit, then things will turn downhill because this person will be having less and less time / space for himself.
I was like that. Until more and more incidents of not being appreciated came, I started to say no nearly to everything and selfishness kicked in. In my mind, ‘I came to this world alone, and I’m gonna leave alone too, why would I live for them? I should be the one to drive this life and I am the one and only who can love no one but myself.’ Then I don’t listen and pay attention to my surrounding anymore, just myself.
There I felt unhappy with my work and life and distance myself away. ‘Why would I care?’ I thought. Still, instead of getting the peace I thought I could get, I got more and more negative. I complained and got frustrated easily, and can feel that this started to affect my surrounding. That was when I decided to take a break from the normal life, to think everything through, to do self-reflection and understand about my true self.
Then I questioned, ‘What role would I like to play on this surface of the earth?’.
Few times my answer came in as, ‘I want to help, but not sure whom and where to start.’ Then last week session with Master Sree woke me up when I mentioned about the Australian Wild Fire, ‘There’s only so much we can do. We are not Superman,’ he said. He also mentioned about Cave Yogis who begged food from people, not to ease their own hunger and survival to live, but to take the sin and disease from people by receiving food from them, then bless them for good life. Then I started to look around, everyone needs an ear to listen to them, just like I do. My uncle told me that I’m someone who fights til death for things I stand for. All because I needed someone to listen to me, to recognize me, to feel being accepted. And when I had a conversation with him few days later, I started to listen to him when he vented about my cousin. I started to understand his point of view, I felt him. I didn’t argue like I used to do to prove that what I know is correct. And am glad that I offered my ear to listen. I hope this is a good start, to discover more about myself, and answer that question with firmer statement.
Everyone has their stories and reasons for actions taken, and there shouldn’t be anybody to judge. We just have to stop and listen, then we will realize why we shouldn’t judge at the first place.
Note to self: I shall start to listen to myself carefully. And don’t judge.