I have a confession to make – I signed up for the YTT200 programme with Tirisula the just the day before it was slated to start.
I have actually been thinking about it for a few weeks. However, the lack of confidence kept pulling me back.
You see, I have various physical imperfections and limitations, which made it challenging for me to achieve many asanas.
To add on, I had not been diligently practising yoga prior to this – I bought yoga packages but never completed them. And to be honest, I first started doing yoga 5 years ago because it seemed like an ‘in’ thing for office ladies to do.
I was also fearful of inversions and balancing poses. After having fallen down during a simple forward fold and getting a few stitches at the A&E (drama, I know), I developed an even greater fear of falling,
Last but not least, I was intimidated by the uncertainties – it was a significant investment. What if I fail? What if I give up halfway? What if after 20 weeks, I still can’t invert or do an arm balance?
As you can see, I was judging myself and comparing myself to others before I had even stepped foot into the studio. How ridiculous, right? But that is how I have always been like – a perfectionist by nature.
All these negative voices kept ranging in my head, but deep in my heart, there was a tiny voice urging me to just go for it.
At that time, I had just left my job of 7 years. For most of my life, I chose the route which was the safest, the most conventional. I was never one to take risks, because of the fear of changes and losing. This is the summary of how I ended up in a job which was unsuitable for me, and even stayed for 7 years.
A few months ago, I reached this stage in my life whereby I was constantly questioning myself, who am I? I did not want to continue living my life like an empty shell. In order to do that, I need to take responsibility for my own decisions. For once, I decided that my own health takes precedence over any other area of my life. I needed to be healthy and motivated again, to be able to face the obstacles that life throws at me.
It was a very turbulent period, and I felt so lost. I felt that I really needed to shush the noise in my head, and to think calmly. The only thing is, I didn’t know how to. Over the years, I have lost the ability to listen and connect with myself.
It was during this time when I thought of doing yoga again. As Master Sree said before, many people come to yoga because they have problems in their lives. Haha, how true is that.
So why taking up the YTT instead of just going for yoga classes? Well, it is really to hold myself accountable. I truly wanted this to be different from my previous times. I wanted to commit to my practice this time round, as part of my self healing journey.
In addition, I wanted to learn more about yoga, not just the physical aspects of it. I felt that I wanted to enhance my practice, by understanding the meaning of yoga and not see it as just a workout.
I wanted to learn how to detach from my emotions, because I tend to allow them to overwhelm me. As a result, I react in ways which I often regret. I somehow felt that yoga would help me find my ‘zen’.
Lastly, I wanted to conquer my fears. I wanted to stop fearing failures and criticism. I wanted to learn to stop comparing myself with others, or even, the person I was a few years ago.
I am happy to say that after less than a month of classes, I already feel transformed mentally. I am calmer and more peaceful, and I have learnt to slow down and listen to my inner voice.
Increasingly, I am beginning to realise that actually, I don’t have to think so much about what happened in the past and why I am here. Perhaps, let me just enjoy my breath and go with the flow of life 🙂
