“What if I fall?”
“Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”
A year ago, if you told me I’m going to spend an entire month waking up daily at 6:15am to travel to Paya Lebar for 5 hours of yoga, I wouldn’t have believed you.
Fast forward to today: I think I’m actually going to miss the 50 minute journey to the studio (even though I started off complaining about it), the challenging poses and learning about the different aspects of yoga – be it philosophy or anatomy. Okay, maybe not so much anatomy but I shall not digress and go into that.
More than anything, I’m having mixed feelings about the YTT ending.
I feel relief, at the thought of not having to worry about juggling the daily homework with my job. Anxiety, at the thought of sitting for my exam two days from now. A tinge of sadness, at the thought of having to say goodbye to a routine that I’ve grown to love. And above everything, a ton of gratitude for the conversations and lessons with Master Sree as well as the privilege to deepen my practice in the presence of five strong, beautiful classmates that have inspired me every day.
Over the last month, I was forced to face my fears, demons, self-doubt and uncertainty.
At some point, I felt like I wasn’t going to be strong or brave enough to make it to the end.
While my head kept spiraling into a never ending black hole of anxiety and doubt, something in my heart told me to keep going. To just show up, and know that it is enough.
So I did. The same way I had to show up for myself all those times when the only thing I could do was lie on the floor with my heart cracked open.
I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. I see the beauty of those cracks because without them, I would never have learned that light can still shine in.
The cracks that were caused by my own thoughts and doubts during this period ended up showing me that no matter the season, or how I may feel, I will still bloom the way I’m supposed to. We all will, and light will meet us wherever we’re at – as long as we keep showing up.
So here’s to showing up every day, for ourselves, our loved ones, and our practice.
As the month (and YTT) draws to a close, I don’t know what my life will be like in the weeks ahead. But after nearly falling to my death – or what felt like it – from Sirsasana, I believe that it’s worth taking that leap of faith because along the way, we will learn to build our wings on the way down.