Being a very focused and competitive since my secondary levels, I was able to achieve almost all the things which I desired off. My father being an engineer wanted either of the two sisters to be an engineer. Not having an interest in Maths, my elder sister couldn’t turn out to be one. On the contrary, I had and opted for engineering. Moreover, I got placed in an MNC and came out with flying colors. By this time, everyone around me was happy with my achievements. But my attempts were never to please them, as they were coming up from my own desire.
Here comes a turn when I got married and was not able to join the job. A hard earned effort of getting placed in a company and a desire to see the completely new world was driving the young mind. Dreams got shut in a box and I moved on with new hopes in personal life. Came to Singapore after marriage, new country new hopes. After few weeks of settlement, started off with my JOB HUNT . Slowly with time I was able to figure out that being a foreigner you get less options of work. So we applied for PR, which was rejected. Not stopping at this point I just moved forward with an aim to study here and this time it’s was a THUMPS UP for me. I got an admission to my desired course, leading to a satisfied feeling. Unfortunately, was not able to move on with this.
All these unproductive attempts shattered me down. Getting close to the opportunities however not able to accomplish them brought frustration and anger in me. Sudden outburst on my family members, blaming them for not achieving was what I did. I tried to communicate this all to them through harsh words. Slowly n gradually i realized that this is not me. So did some meditation n tried controlling myself, which worked for the moment. Still deep inside me was a desire to do something. Actions were in control now but what about MIND. Not at all, it had to work double… controlling the action and at the same time do something to please the inner self. Or more clearly…serve all my responsibilities n duties as a home-maker and mother fully and also get some peace of mind for myself by finding something for me. As I was primarily home-maker I wanted to avoid any mistakes and be perfect. I aspired to make my kids the best, giving them a very structured training since childhood. A single mistake made me think of either my failure in guiding them or their failure to do it. A Hitler was in our house who did not allow to waste a single second, everything was demanded to be prefect.
In my search of doing something I thought of learning yoga and then came across the TTC course which was fitting in my schedule too, so I just registered for it. When it actually started, I realized a lot of things. I suddenly started asking myself – What was I wanting to do? Where was I taking myself? I realized that I was becoming bitterer with time, holding on all the bad memories. I forgot do the little happy things. Thankfully I joined this course at the right time of life. I always rushed in things for getting the outcomes, but I got enlightened when Master Paalu said ‘Only 1/3rd of the life has gone.’ I never thought of it like that way. So much of positivity from only one sentence. My mind became stable and now I can focus again. I could see the open doors, express out my feelings which I was suppressing before. I become more original n true. This gave me immense happiness.
Master Satya words about relaxation brought another realization. I was never able to truly understand all those quotes out there about so called ‘relaxation’ but the moment she asked “How do you relax yourself?’ …Oh God, that day I became aware that all this time I was looking out for relaxation and it is me who has to do that task. When I actually did relax, it was a total ‘Bliss Moment’. Wow! This dependent thing is already gone.
I remember saying to me in the frustrated state ‘I want to again laugh n smile I used to do’, and this treasure I got as a Gift from this course. Now I am looking forward to live with all these Gems.
Surbhi Mathur (200HR Apr-June 17)