I intended the space between ‘my’ and ‘self’.
I like to think of myself as a strong person – physically strong enough to carry myself through my daily expectations, mentally strong to stay sane in a demanding job, morally strong to guide the little ones through the right values. I always saw the need for me to stay tough, maybe it’s an inferior complex I had developed because of my ‘impressive’ stature, I can’t be seen to be unstable (or else!).
About 2 years back, I slipped into a rather dark period. I was constantly gloomy, although I did not realise I was a party-pooper. In retrospect, I could see myself all hunched over as I went about my daily chores, and no one could see my darkness. I suffered from a horrible backache as well, and being unable to physically straighten up only seemed to add to my gloom. I started to feel really small and inferior, which was a terrifying thought for someone already vertically-challenged.
When I sought help from a chiropractor for my back, he suggested picking up pilates or yoga to strengthen my back muscles, so that my L5 would not slip out of alignment so easily, I was skeptical. I had never done these 2 exercises as I thought holding poses was too static for me. “Yoga is an exercise, meh?”
It took me a while to actually pick a studio and go for a drop-in class. But that Thursday in October 2015, I randomly googled for a studio near my home, looked for a suitable timing and went for my first yoga session ever. After class that night, I walked to my car and drove home in warm cheery sunshine and I felt as if someone had lifted the load off my chest (clichéd as it sounds). The husband saw the change and proceeded to switch his schedule around so that I could go for more yoga sessions in the evening.
In this year (almost) of getting acquainted with yoga, I got re-acquainted with my self. I learnt that I was not as strong as I thought I was, in all aspects, yet I am stronger. I have learnt to let go as well, letting go of negativities like fear helps me to lift and fly (in asanas, and in life – but this is for another time), letting go of insecurities allow me to see the light, however dim, and letting go of anger especially with myself and my self allows me to see the situation i am in, in a different angle. I knew all of these before my encounter with yoga, but I was too hoity-toity (and in self-denial) to actually practise it. Yoga humbled me.
So, to Yoga (if personified), thanks for kicking my a*se and showing me that face-planting is sometimes necessary before I get back up stronger.
Charlene (The Ever-Suspicious One – 🙄 )
