Jan 4th, Monday, 2016, 6:30am. I don’t want to wake up. As usual, when the alarm goes off, I am shattered. My sleep has hiccuped all night, tension slowly building-up under that sense of inadequacy that holds my hand in the crucial moments of my life. I know I will not be up to it: too old, too stiff, too sick; cold sweat drops down from every pore of my skin. As I go through the first morning practice I am conscious I am not right, I can’t bend down enough, I can’t raise high enough, I can’t stay long enough; I just can’t. And my stupid sweat slides down on my mat, on my clothes, gross, embarrassing, revealing. I feel judgemental looks around me, I perceive disappointment.
Then a revelation comes. Through two simple words.
AHIMSA: no harm, no injury, non violence, no strike. To ourselves and to others. In speech, in actions, in thoughts. TO OURSELVES and to others.
And the ahimsa sinks in, with every breath of my uncertain anuloma viloma, that becomes longer and steadier every day. It permeates every pore of my skin as I realize that being non injurious to myself is something I have neglected over the years, too busy looking around, too busy analyzing expectations and finding intricate ways of living up to them. And as the days go by I find myself non judgemental towards the others: and it actually does echo back.
SATYA: the truthfulness in our thoughts, our speech, our actions, with ourselves and others; truth in our perception of the world, in the way we interpret others’ thoughts, truthfulness in approaching and describing and living reality.
As I walk in every morning for another day of the course, I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be; as I bend, slightly lower every day, I feel my body deeper inside and my soul exults; as I hold, one second longer every time, I realize I can control my muscles; as I turn, a millimeter at a time, I am finally conscious it is only me in this evolution; and as I sweat through each pose, I can’t wait for someone to come and adjust me; because they will do it with energy. And love.
Jan 24th, SUNDAY, 6:30am. As the alarm goes off I am already partially conscious that it is time to wake-up. I would not miss my mornings for anything. I silently raise-up, walk downstairs, lay my mat, cross my legs; this is my morning, this is my time, this is my KRIYA. And I sink into it, with a deep long dive. And I breathe in, hold, breathe out, as my thoughts float somewhere not too far, but far enough not to be loud. And as I slowly finish, they come into place, one at a time, without bothering me.
I love how discipline has shaped my mornings, I love the intensity of the breathing as I move from one nostril to the other, the internal focus as I count, slowly, patiently, thoughts floating away. This is me, the me I have lost so long ago, the me I have been looking for. This is that  me that was buried deep down under fake commitments, false engagements, infinite to do lists. Now this me wakes up with a smile, gets everybody ready with a kiss and a word of encouragement to carry along the day, and keeps going, steady and awake.
And profoundly grateful.
ALEX, 200hr TTC, January 2016

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