When I first started to meditate it was out of curiosity. This was about 7 years ago. I started out using a candle and some soft music. I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself below a huge mountain. I envisioned the strength from the mountain pulling it towards the earth and I was hoping to feel the same strength and grounding as the mountain. Like this I continued for a couple of years.
Then my meditation technique changed. I stopped using the candle and instead of seeing a mountain I focused inwards. I tried to stop the thoughts from floating above and inside my head. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it did not. Every time I had thoughts coming I tried to push them away but it was never easy. When I sat to meditate and my thoughts came I got frustrated and tried to push them away. Instead of letting the thoughts float like clouds above my head I got caught up in them. I started to listen to my thoughts and I bought into them. I was trapped. I did not know how I could get away from them. So I stopped meditating for quite some time.
During the time I did not meditate I found myself getting more and more caught up in my mind and pulling further and further away from a place of stillness. I was getting more and more upset and frustrated. Deep down inside I knew that I would feel so much better if I just started meditating again. But like with some things in life, even though you know they are good for you you still don’t do it. Then one day it suddenly changed, I cant say what it is that triggered the change in me. I just felt that it was time to give meditation a try again.
This time I took help from a teacher and I felt that my real journey had started. She gave me the techniques that I needed to go past my thoughts and to trust that what is beyond is actually me. I am not my thoughts and I don’t need to buy them. I can mainly be the observer and I don’t need to do anything. For the first time I felt the sensation of effortlessly letting my thoughts just pass me by. Just like clouds, the way it has been described by others over and over again. That it was not me having all these thoughts and that that voice in my mind telling me all sort of things is not actually me. It is something else than me poking and trying to push things on me. I enjoyed the silence that sometimes occurred in my body and mind and I liked to see how my thoughts came and went.
Then one day I realized that there was somebody else there. Somebody in my mind telling me to push away the thoughts that where coming and not to listen to the “destructive voice” in my head. I got more and more aware of this other voice, this other “good voice” in my mind. Trying to tell me that I was on the right track that I was not going to get caught up in the thoughts passing and that I was doing a good job. The more I got aware of this other voice the more I realized that this was not me either. I felt an amazing feeling of discovering the observer observing the observer. I felt a calmness I have never experienced before. Now when I meditate I try to be aware of the observer observing the observer. It really does not work every time and I still feel confused and frustrated many times. But less often and the fact that I am aware of this makes me want to continue with my meditation. I am grateful to my teacher for leading me on my new path of meditation.
I am looking forward to all the years ahead of me doing meditation, yoga and hopefully discover more peace and stillness inside.