When you know you are ln love, that means you are not in love anymore.
It was my second day in yoga lesson with sore muscles and confusion. In the midst of ahimsa and satya. Master Paalu’s words hit me hard. I got a glimps of why I felt so lost.
I quitted my job recently. Looking back now, there were moments that I enjoyed adrenaline pumping excitement and feeling of achievement. It was a rewarding career. But when I was in the office, I felt like my soul was eaten up everyday. When I met people, as I sadly admit in the class, I needed to measure potential brokerage size of the client. I smiled and sweet talked just to get a deal. At some moments, I forgot what I like to eat because meals were decided by clients. In order to survive, I usually talked to myself that clients are the ones who pays my kids tuition fee so just “Ta-han”. It was negative in Satya and bunch of in Ahimsa to myself. So I prepared myself, convincing people around me justifying my leaving. Yet, after I comfortably releaseed myself from the job, there I was regretting what I have done and resent of what I gave up. I had a mild anxiety attack.
What Paalu said made me realise that It’s not about my job that made me so anxious. It is me. It didn’t really matter what kind of job I had and what I am going to do after that. Whatever I do, rather than settle and savor the moment, I will analyze and think of what I should do next. I would constantly searching for anywhere but here. I don’t know how to live in the present moment and breathe the air here and now. I tried to know what love is rather than be in love with my career.
Modern society is very difficult to fall in love with present. When we were in school, we were told that study hard and we will get rewards with happy life. In our jobs, we just swallow all the shits for payday. When in love, girls tend to dream of size of diamond ring they will get at least, once. We do our very best to evade the uncertainties and try to gaze the question of what is the plan.
Alain de Botton said reminiscence are always beautiful because there is no uncertainties. Living in the present have to deal with uncertainties and that give us anxiety in our life. So the secret of happy life is living life like looking at reminiscences. Don’t worry too much of uncertainties. Our unhappiness comes from worries about future and regrets about past. The current moment is rarely unhappy.
In my short journey of Yoga, Asanas like Pavritta Parsvakonasana helps me to more grounded and being in the moment. When I am in this pose, there are sensation of my breath, twist of the muscles, tightened mulu bandha, and my gaze over my hand. No inner chats bothering me because once I lose focus in the very moment, I know I will fall down.
Let me quote one of Yoga stories. One young man travel to Himalaya to learn secret of life and happiness from the greatest yoga gurus. Through many difficulties and trials, He met old man in lotus pose gazing upon sky. Young man sit beside him and waiting for the wisdom of Guru. Hours and days have passed and finally the young man asked the old man.” What happens next? ”
The guru answers, “Noting happens. This is it”
The purpose of my Yoga practice is to be grounded and live in the moment. If I would be able to teach, I would like to share the wisdom of living in the moment.
Me and my hubbie went to Bangkok once and we got lost in Thong-lo. When we were eagerly trying to find out what’s the next road to go, I encountered one of cafe decoration words which talked to me deeply. Don’t search for the love of your life. Do what you love and love of life will come to you. There i was.
Ellie Kim
