I went through a drastic change in my life last year which I hadn’t foreseen, I had always planned to live an ordinary life in the order a lot of society expects us to. I always had my ducks in a row which started with a good stable job, a boyfriend who was a perfect balance of attractive and caring, we bought a home together, got a dog, got married, moved to a bigger home and were lucky enough to go on several extravagant holidays each year. Our plan kept evolving and the more we had the more greedy we became.
Unfortunately as the greed took over we forgot about the little things in life that really count and the appreciation we always had for each others qualities was evaporating. Life became a battle against each other as we were always trying to top the previous year and thought about what we wanted ourselves rather then compromising well to suit both our needs.
When I was approaching my 30th Birthday ‘The Plan’ we had of our future family changed and we couldn’t reach a compromise. I had to reevaluate what was important to me in life and put myself first so our marriage broke down.
Now I am piecing my life back together starting from the beginning and still don’t know what I want for my future so I know I need to learn to be content with what I have in the present rather then always looking forward to what the future holds. This is a lot harder to practice then it sounds.
This is probably the biggest thing I have taken on board in the first week of my YTT, and after doing the homework we were given it YTT yesterday to explain a psychological concept I think I have discovered I might have mild suffering of Chronophobia. This is a phycological disorder which means to have anxiety of the passing of time. Some examples of this are that I hate it when a party or a trip is over that I worry about it being over before it has even started or the thought that my life might end without experiencing all I could and would want to.
This has changed the goal I started YTT with and contentment has become my new goal, however as Master Paalu says I will try not to focus on my goal and just let it happen.