I was 19 and lost.
Scraping by days of multiple part time jobs for three quarter of the month, and the other quarter spending all that income on traveling. I documented everything that happened in that year on a book, almost as if afraid that I would forget the difference in the days passing because my life then was nothing noteworthy of. In all honesty I was trying to make my life seem as fulfilling as possible despite all the negativity I was in then: I was probably at my all time low given that I hadn’t received my university allocation to the only course I wanted to go, and also facing the fact that all my friends were entering University and I was desperate to get into any that would take me in for that course (oh how passion drives you). Simultaneously I was in a rather unhealthy relationship I would say; that really tested my emotional and mental strength then. I shall not delve deeper, but in short my intelligence was questioned by my partner, whom I thought would be the most understanding of my situation and how I felt, given I was already at my all time low. (I was usually the top few students in school and then on the exam I busted one of the papers) And so while everyone was living the life that was paved so nicely for them, I was there finding meaning while waiting for results (god this took a good 4-5 months of applying and waiting). Traveling was the only way I felt better, it brought me further from all this that was happening and I was essentially feeding on the envy of people around me constantly having to ask where I was every month. Back then it didn’t feel real, yes every place was beautiful and I loved every single moment of it. I would stare into the scenery and try to absorb as much of it as I could, and yet the tragic thing is even now I can’t remember exactly how it looked like, except with reference to photographs. Anyhow, 2018 taught me a lot of things, I matured so much then. Though looking back at it now I do regret not living in the moment (of uncertainty) considering I did have quite a good life. And through 2018, yoga was with me for a good 6 months. I had never thought of joining it, I honestly can’t even recall how it came into my life. I would never have signed up for a class by myself. Nevertheless, it happened anyway.
My first class flushed all the toxins out of my body, and I could taste it in my sweat (to put into context I was doing Hot Yoga). I never knew Yoga was that tiring. And soon I had 2 of my closest friends join me, both of whom were athletes since young, something I wasn’t, and yet they too were exhausted. Sooner or later our schedules didn’t align and I was attending classes alone. I guess going alone helped a lot, I became more comfortable being alone and that also meant I could focus better on the practice. I found it relaxing for the mind, but really during then it was more of a way to justify that I was doing something in life and also to keep myself fit. It did though, help ground myself down to reality and where I was, and not to compare myself with my friends who appeared to have their shit together. Then I came to Australia, and I lost contact with it for a couple of months and frankly it didn’t matter to me. I was onto pilates by then.
In March it reappeared in my life. I was out of Classpass sessions and I wasn’t willing to pay for any. My friend had asked me to join him for Yoga classes (a ‘him’, I never knew males did yoga), it was on discount even. 10 classes for $35, literally what a steal. My impression of the yoga studio wasn’t great, it was a 30min bus ride away, the teacher was late and he (yes I was also surprised by the gender) didn’t direct the class as professionally as other yoga classes I’ve attended. It was then I asked the yoga teacher if they were hiring, and how to become a yoga teacher, because it looked easy to be one. And suddenly all the information about having to have a certificate and insurance was shooting straight at me. The thought of becoming a yoga teacher was just left in my subconscious in a corner of my brain though. On that day I even brought home a yoga mat that was worth $28 because I didn’t want to rent mats, and so essentially I’m only paying $7 per class.
Subsequently I went for more lessons and I found it to be rather enjoyable. The location albeit isolated, provided a peaceful environment for an early morning practice. I think my last lesson before coming back to Singapore was the celebration of International Yoga day, where we accomplished 108 sun salutations. It felt amazing. I was comfortable with the teacher and the other students, it felt like a little sacred session all of us shared.
I guess it has been in my life since 2018, resting silently and supporting me without myself realising I enjoyed it. And now I hope it is here to stay. Or even if my Samsara takes me elsewhere, I did thoroughly enjoy this and it will forever be part of my journey towards finding myself.
2 weeks from that I signed up for YTT intensive program.