I have a confession. When I first started the course I had no real intention of being a yoga teacher. And after all this time I still have no real motivation to be so. This feels like blasphemy in the midst of all my other enthusiastic yoga classmates. Don’t be mistaken, I appreciate yoga fully for its spiritual and physical benefits. But within the first to second week of the course, I saw very clearly that my karmic path did not involve being a yoga teacher. However, I do also see that my yoga training will be important to me sometime in the future – I just don’t quite know how exactly yet.
I probably haven’t been as dedicated a student as I could have been. Percentage effort at this point probably stands at 50-60%. I’ll try to up it to 80% for this last weekend for the studying but there been points when my heart just hasn’t been into this. After several attempts at waking up early to do Kapplabhati, falling asleep again thereafter and then later realizing in class that in my sleep-ridden fog – I was practising Kapplabhati wrongly, I figured it was better to just start a little slower and not force myself into it. This is not typical of me. I am an over achiever who is used to aiming for 100% all my life – but over ambition tears the soul apart and at great cost.
I have been aware of my soul for a long time. We are all born with great energy and power and I can feel it moving within me constantly. However, all great things can be used for good or for evil and if I were to look into my soul – it isn’t pretty at the moment (To my classmate who disbelievingly saw my aura as black, you are probably right). I am careful with how I use my energy. I don’t like to talk about it but the reason is I’ve struggled with depression for the past year- did all the bad things you only hear about in stories. Two months before, I knew that I needed to find a means to heal my soul and signed myself up for this course. One week before the course, I told my psychiatrist I didn’t want to rely on anti-depressants anymore. One week into the yoga course, I was finally set free from that negative individual that caused me so much suffering although in essence a lot of it could have been prevented if I had not asked so much from my soul in the first place.
I feel that in this course, we have only touched the tip of the iceberg on what it means to do yoga. Healing and understanding come with time and everyone walks their own path. I want to make yoga part of my life, and maybe some time someday I’ll be free if this darkness. Till then, thank you everyone for being part of my healing journey.