Pratyahara and the Gemini

PRATYAHARA

Draw inwards, look inside of yourself, to identify the patterns of your life.

I’m an identical twin. It’s shaped my life, from before I was even born, and my sister is my total soulmate, my best friend, and the person I always turn to before I think of anyone else. I have also struggled with my identity for my entire life, made harder by not being the ‘dominant’ twin, and being possibly far too sensitive! I have forever been in her shadow and constantly been compared to her, and felt greatly lacking.

The pattern of my life was to lose courage to speak up for myself, partly because trying to be heard over my limelight-hogging sister was too exhausting! Our ‘twin’ pattern was set early, and we settled into our roles, which started to polarise. She rebelled and I polished my halo – both vying in our own ways for attention in an unhappy home.

Leaving home was a great watershed for me – college, travelling and living abroad – all a fantastic game, pretending to be someone else. Fun, carefree, rebellious – it was intoxicating, so it took me years to come back home. Every time I came home I felt the weight of my old pattern descending on me. My family wouldn’t let go of the past image of me, I only challenged weakly, and I allowed myself to fall back into my old ways – trying to keep the peace, not being true to myself.

I recognise this pattern, I know how I must break away from it, and most of the time I feel that I am on that path (but maybe I am cheating as I am essentially still ‘running away from home’ in Singapore!), but I need to practice Dharana and make my transformation complete.

Emma
YTT200hr, January 2016