I Feel….Therefore I am

When I say I like chocolate, essentially, I’m saying I like the feeling I experience when I eat chocolate. Perhaps it’s the release of endorphins or perhaps it’s just the connection to past experience. Whatever it is, I’ve realized feeling something is everything. If you think something is wonderful, it has to be wonderful, because you are the only judge. You actually create your own reality, or at least you inhabit your own reality. This is both a powerful and a self damning position to be in. Because the brain is programmed to seek out what feels good, and resist what it feels repulsed by. I’ve realized how, try as I might, to do otherwise, I seek out the same type of people for friends, the same type of entertainment, the same type of clothes, colours that I’ve already decided are “my type”. And if I behave in a particular manner, I suppose the easiest explanation is “that’s me”

 The truth is nothing is anyone’s type, nothing is their pre programmed choice and there is no such thing as “that’s me”. To think so is to believe I’m dead… I’ve stopped evolving. That I have nothing to look forward to, except more of the same. Every minute of every day, there is enough of free will and enough of destiny at work, to make us both powerful and humble. If I could walk into a room full of people I already knew, without the baggage of what I thought of them, I think I could discover everybody anew. That is what feeling does. It gives you an opinion, a sensation and then it seals it. Somewhere between experiencing that sensation and sealing it, lies free will. And exercising that is true freedom.

 It doesn’t mean one should go through life without be drawn to things, or having an opinion that’s not always cherubic …….. all of that is what makes you you. But if you limit yourself to you, then you are trapped by yourself.

 I think I made this discovery about myself around 5 years ago, and since then it’s a constant battle, not to live on the edge. By that, I don’t mean dangerously but just oscillating between like and dislike,  want and don’t want like driving a car without any brakes and possibly no steering wheel! I think my ‘introspection has helped my ‘vision’ and my temperament, but the process is still an everyday battle.